Becky’s Survival Tips

Be sure to read 26 Tips for Surviving Grade 6 for oodles of tween wisdom from its narrator, Becky Lennox. But you might need even more tips than that book offers — unless you plan to stay in sixth grade forever. Becky thinks you might, in the average lifetime, find the following survival tips essential. In fact, you should probably memorize them.

Wilderness Survival Tips

1. Don’t go in the wilderness without a survival kit (matches, compass, bandages, water, snacks, phone, flashlight, reading material, blanket and pillow).
2. Don’t eat any mushrooms. And stay away from gingerbread houses. Try cattails instead.
3. Don’t steal food from a wolverine. (It is probably rotten, anyway.)
4. If you get in a fight with a wolverine for stealing its food, use balsam resin as an antiseptic for cuts and abrasions. (The wolverine won’t like the feel of it, but it’s for the best.)
5. If it’s winter, expose some skin to the sun to cheer yourself up. Might as well die happy.

Desert Survival Tips

1. Don’t drive through the desert in an old clunker. Have a tune-up before travelling anywhere deadly. Bring extra coolant and gasoline.
2. Always hike with a few gallons of water in your back pocket or on your head.
3. Dress in light-coloured, loose fitting clothes, and a hat (10-gallon preferred).
4. Stay on the road! Never take shortcuts, even if it looks like a hard surface. Sand can sink a vehicle up to its axels in five seconds flat and you will not get out. Ever. The hills have eyes.
5. Take a sharp knife in case you fall in a crevasse, get stuck by a boulder, and have to cut off your own arm.

Tornado Survival Tips

1. Seek shelter underground. (If you live in tornado country and you don’t have an underground shelter, you could use some “home buying tips.”)
2. If you don’t have a basement or cellar, hide in a closet deep inside your house or get in the bathtub with a mattress over you. Don’t fall down on your bed and watch the witches ride by the window.
3. Most deaths from tornadoes come from flying debris. Stay indoors away from windows and witches.
4. Avoid mobile homes, as they can be picked up and dropped and smashed to pieces. Plus they are just not classy. If you cannot run to more secure shelter, hide in a ditch.
5. Avoid downed power lines. (Even if there’s no tornado, that’s a good tip.)

Zombie Survival Tips

1. Avoid hospitals. The first zombies will be pitied as ill and taken to hospitals. You don’t want to be there.
2. “Gather” supplies immediately. (It’s not stealing if everyone is dead or undead.)
3. Arm yourself. Guns, knives, swords, arrows and axes all have their place (in guts, hearts, necks, eyes, and brains, respectively).
4. Protect your body from bites, especially your forearms and neck — several layers of clothing will do the trick. Wear goggles and a mask to protect your face from “splash.”
5. Head to the country. In a city, 10 zombies will soon be 10,000 zombies. Hole up in an old farmhouse. No fires after dark. Shh. You know they’re out there.